But. It’s Family.
When it comes to family, we take care of each other. We forgive each other. We accept each other. Right? Family are the people that you keep at the front of your priorities and offer the most grace and energy towards. …right? You take care of and accept family because they’re family. Period. End of sentence. It doesn’t matter that mom is highly critical and undermines your self esteem each time you talk to her. Or that dad’s emotional volatility keeps you in a state of anxiety and near panic when you are around him. Or that the effort that you are offering your siblings is not being reciprocated when you are in need, cause you know how they are…
Family can be hard. Family can be a sensitive topic. Family can be the people who hurt you the most. And family can try to convince you that it is your duty to accept them as they are without hesitation. That’s what family does. We just care for each other, unconditionally and without thought. We just do.
Except. What if that wasn’t true. Families absolutely can be bastions of love and support; the place where you know you can be yourself and be unconditionally accepted. And there are those families that are not. If your family are not your cheerleaders, if spending time with them is harmful and toxic, it is not your duty to suffer for family.
I know this rubs against some of values we have all grown up with, the idea that family has primacy and that you protect it. I just want you to know that as an adult, you can decide who has access to you and your time. Sometimes family is not the people with whom you shared a home growing up, but the friends you have surrounded yourself with instead. If family hurts you, it is not your duty to grin and bear it, but to find a path of advocacy that makes clear your needs and boundaries. Your family does not have an immovable right to be in your life, and it does not make you a bad daughter/sibling to put space and limits between you and your family.
Your primary allegiance is to yourself and your mental health (oo, that’s a little uncomfortable to say, huh?). There will be those who will say you cannot do this, that it’s wrong to “cut” family out. Here is where I want you to hear what the intention is: You are not cutting people out, you are creating an invitation for them to be a part of your life in a healthy way. Your family then has the choice in whether they find meeting you there acceptable or not. They are the masters of their own destiny as you are for yourself in this exploration together. In a manner that is going to feel ass-backwards, you are saying that you know that they can be better and you are not willing to accept less for the good of both of you.
If you have struggled with family relationships and boundaries, if you have a strong value to take care of family that you are now seeing is harming you, it helps to talk to someone about how to set healthy boundaries and hold them when there is opposition. With the proper support, that narrative that the problem is with you can move to the problem is with them. If you are ready to start this journey and need help, please reach out to me at 707.593.6333 for a free consultation. If you connect to my words and potentially working with me feels good, and you are looking to for support for building healthy relationships, including the relationship with yourself, click here to learn more about my services in Windsor, California. I am here to help you untangle yourself from your beliefs about family and find how to set the boundaries you need.
